Have you ever had the experience of talking to someone and in the middle of the conversation, you wonder if the other person really understands anything you are saying? Or worse yet, really cares about you or what you are saying? So often, people talk to each other; but sometimes, we don't listen. We can be distracted, half-listening, and half-thinking about something else. Rather than paying attention, we focus on how we can respond. We can be so busy formulating a response to what is being said that we miss the real message that is being sent. Or worse yet, we miss the opportunity for true connection, for growth, for meaning, in the very relationships that mean the most.
Think about this week's Torah portion, Vayera. Sarah tells Abraham: "Cast out that slave-woman (Hagar) and her son (Ishmael)". Abraham (rightfully so) is distressed as it concerns one of his two sons. God, as the narrative describes, tells Abraham "Everything that Sarah tells you, do as she says."
Do as she says – this is the translation found in many English editions of the Torah. Many will joke that herein lies the origins of the key to a successful marriage: a man need only to listen to his wife and do everything she says. But, the Etz Chaim commentary actually speaks of a more literal translation from the Hebrew. The Torah's wording is actually "shema b'kolah, listen to her voice." In the end, Abraham does indeed do as she says and he does send Hagar and Ishmael away. So, what is the difference between ‘do as she says' and ‘listen to her voice'?
In his commentary on the Torah, 19th century Torah scholar Samson Raphael Hirsch explains that this phrase. Shemah b'kolah means: Don't only listen to her words, her demands; listen to your wife's anguish, her fear, the tone of pleading in the voice of the woman you have been married to for so many years. Imagine for a moment that you are Sarah. You have spent years married to Abraham dreaming of the family that together you will create, you've struggled to conceive during which time you stand witness to your husband building that family with someone else; and after much anguish and many years, you are able to conceive. And, in fear and anxiety and anguish, you cry out, wanting to recapture the dreams that together with your husband, you had built.
Communication – the two-way exchange of ideas, facts, thoughts or feelings – is the key to any successful relationship. The reality, as Steven Covey, author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, outlines, is that most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply. The failure to listen, to hear, is not just about the words that are missed but cuts to the core of the connection that exists between two people. When one person feels like another is not listening, it creates a deep abyss, a void so intense that it leaves one feeling invisible, lonely, violated. Over time, it can destroy any good parts that remain in the relationship. And, while this can happen in any relationship, it is so much more difficult in the most intimate ones, between life partners.
Abraham Ibn Hasdai, the 13th century Spanish-Hebrew poet and philosopher, whose work was published in Constantinople under the title Ben ha-Melekh ve ha-Nazir, poignantly reminds us of this point when he says: "People are endowed with two ears and only one tongue, so we might listen more than speak.". Only after really listening can we respond to another person, whether that person is a friend, a professional colleague, or intimate family member. Perhaps what Ibn Hasdai means to say: let one ear hear the words that are being said, and the second hear that which is not said explicitly but able to be heard.
When someone speaks to us, they do so with great purpose, meaning, and feeling. When we pause to listen and understand, we gain the insight into what is really going on. My friend and mentor, Jacob Weisberg (President of Creative Communications and author of Does Anybody Listen? Does Anybody Care?, to which I commend your attention), teaches that listening is about much more than just closing our mouths and keeping our ears open. As he trains so many of us –rabbis, executives, parents, and spouses – he calls attention to the fact that active listening means being truly present and focused on the person who is speaking, not on ourselves or on what we have to say. It means catering to the other person and allowing that person to share his or her thoughts. It means using our body language, eye contact, facial expressions, and verbal expressions to show we are interested and we are following the other person's speech. Think about the incredible sense of validation that comes from having someone truly listen to you when someone acknowledges your words and feelings, even if the person disagrees with what you have said.
This week, let us learn from God's words to Abraham, let us learn from Ibn Hasdai, and let us learn from my friend Jacob Weisberg. Shema b'kolah, listen to her voice. Listen to his voice. Listen to the words that are said and listen for that which is not. Let the people you care about know they matter; give them the gift of presence, focus on their words. Listen to the words of Sifre Devarim: "If you listen a little, you will eventually listen a great deal." And listen some more.
Shabbat Shalom